I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
