M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
