i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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