you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
