at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Drake has all the answers
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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