I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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