Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
whose parrot is this?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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