after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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