my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
