If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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