Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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