I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
