Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
