I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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