Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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