If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
