U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
