im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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