There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize