Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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