This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
