cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this boner is exhausting
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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