peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
