just come out here and I will go home with you...
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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