you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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