Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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