Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
