like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
