I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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