By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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