So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
