I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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