nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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