I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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