RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
