Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
