Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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