Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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