She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
