I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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