I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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