you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
