dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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