Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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