ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I didn't notice because vodka
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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