it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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