Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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