He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
50% drunk capacity currently
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
