guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
