i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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