Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
