Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
