he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
