you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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