if only i could text you this smell
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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