Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
