i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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